RELATIONSHIPS AND RELATIONSH!TS

                REALationships & RelationSH!Ts ( By Anagho Denroy E.)

Matters of the heart are very delicate so before we dive into these murky ‘emotional waters’, I want to firmly assert that I’m no ‘relationship lifeguard’ neither do I consider myself some love guru or emotional doctor.
Far from that, I’m just some smart regular kid with a great savoir-faire and polished writing skills whose personal experiences and exposure to complex social environments and circumstances have enabled him make keen observations on dating issues which have contributed in helping to shape his perspective (‘the art of subliminal braggadocio’ lol). That said, I assume the role of a captain giving commendable advice which if taken MIGHT help steer your relationSHIP away from emotional icebergs and sail it in the direction of a lovely breezy calm; destination – HappyVille. All aboard!

Before any good physician prescribes medication for an ailment, certain symptoms are examined and a thorough diagnosis is carried out. It is along these lines that I begin by spotlighting some common reasons and factors which motivate young boys and girls to want to date or engage into relationships and sexual liaisons.

Ø  The Gents

Ladies, if a guy makes a pass at you or tries to ask you out then my best guess is he’s definitely seeking to gratify one or more of these cravings; companionship, sex, ego (trophy factor) or affection. These are his internal drives and motivations among others, but however there are also external factors like hassles from friends (peer pressure) and a quest for a sense of belonging which may interplay in giving him the incentive to go ahead. LET ME EXPLAIN (in Kevin Hart’s voice)

The SEX factor: The most common agenda most guys have when asking out a girl is to get beyond the ‘Great Pantie-Gates’. Majority are just trying to get laid and ‘braining’ her is a way of formally getting a laissez-passer so every time they arrive at the gates, every impediment automatically goes up ensuring a clear passage. These guys just, like Wizzy says, ‘wanna hit and run like [they] ain’t got insurance’. Label them the ‘hit-it-quit-it’ or ‘get-some-get-gone’ types. It is however wrong and unfair when most girls take on an inductive approach and make generalizations that every guy falls in this category. There are still a handful of good guys out there so don’t be quick to judge.

The TROPHY factor: This is another common motive which a great deal of guys tends to prioritize, usually for their self-aggrandizement. Some guys go out in search of a ‘trophy-girl’. This is that chick with a cute face, killer figure, drop-dead curves and a touch of class. The kind of cutie whose presence boosts your ego and you feel proud to introduce her to everyone as ‘your girl’. Usually, there is no underlying affection or deep connection here. The attraction is really superficial and doesn’t go beyond her looks (strictly physical). The relationship is only as exciting as the selfies you pose and take together and the likes and comments that they generate when uploaded on Instagram, Facebook etc. You tag her in every status update and make her sexy photo your profile picture. Everybody goes ‘what da!’ wow! damn! oooh! and your homeboys give you dabs and nickname you ‘Mr.-Steal-Yo-Girl’ but deep within you don’t see any future with her. You roll up to almost every hot party together looking all chic and suave but that’s that – just for the buzz and hype (playing for the cameras). No one in the relationship makes any true sacrifices and a break-up is always imminent.

The need for COMPANIONSHIP: In this case, the guy maybe slightly new in town or probably has few buddies and is always feeling lonely and in need of someone to hang-out with. He’s also probably tired of playing FIFA14 alone and has watched all the movies in his laptop and his 700 GB external hard-drive. So there’s this girl who’s staying close to campus with a cosy spot where he can go chill during his break-time or while waiting for the next lectures which starts in about 2 hours time. She’s nice and friendly and cooks well and he’s like ‘wait a minute...let me ask her out man. I mean who knows? ...something could develop’. Chances are that ‘something’ may never develop (a few do though). Seldom does he call and his texts are brief and emotionally-skeletal like, ‘I left the key under the doormat’, ‘Check if I forgot my wallet on the table’ or ‘U home? ...aight, I’m on my way’. The few flowers that sprout up in such a relationship naturally wither when any kind of distance comes in-between; like in the case where she relocates or they go back to their various cities during semester breaks.

The desire to show AFFECTION: The stereotype here is; this guy sees/meets this girl and just loves the simple things about her; her dimples, her smile, her eyes etc. He enjoys her company and feels good when she’s around. He will freely and willingly spend big on her without realizing it. He sits on his bed and thinks about her and suddenly catches himself smiling. He may even write poems and songs about her (like I used to do...lol). He finally convinces himself that he is in love (I disagree!) and feels the need to ask her out so as to be more comfortable in showing care and expressing himself more. He’s never pissed when she doesn't reciprocate the affection in equal measure. Good guy right?

Apart from the above considerations, other external factors may ‘force’ a guy to want to get into a relationship. Pressure from friends is a major factor. At a certain time during my single-hood days, a close friend of mine would hassle me every time to go on dates. He would buy yogurt, ‘shawarma’ and pastries every day after lectures and take to the ‘cité’ of this girl he was dating and they’ll act all lovey-dovey. He tried convincing me to see the need of getting into a relationship and even went the extra length of inviting me out to ‘programmes’ where it will just be the 3 of us (him, ‘his girl’ and I) and they’ll spend the whole time just cuddling and chatting so that I get bored and see the need for extra company (mind games). With these subtle messages I began caving in and actually started seeing reasons why I needed to get into a relationship or ‘settle with some main chick’. I drafted a list of a few girls whom I thought could make the right choice and started examining how compatible each could be. Needless to say, I soon got tired and ran out of steam when I found myself ‘competing to love’. It was either I found each girl wanting in some aspect on my checklist or she did not  think I was cool enough (can you imagine!?!) or I quickly lost interest or she was already taken or blablabla ...Nutshell, some guys tend to be easily susceptible to pressure from friends and get into relationships from the wrong reasons. Enough of the ‘man-pikin’ perspective ...Time for a brief tour around a lady’s ‘psychological city’.     

Ø  The Ladies          

Well, well, well... what do we have here?

Girls date for similar reasons as do guys (as discussed supra i.e. Companionship, Affection, Sex and Trophy factors) but a peculiarity or stand-out factor common to most which I will focus on is the Money Factor.

The ‘money factor’ is a global reality and I think we all agree it’s the most ‘discuss worthy’ issue here. Simply put, majority of girls are just gold-digging (now that was harsh!). They’re just ‘all about stacking’ that green, getting’ that paper, chasing’ that mula etc - u dig?’ Their primary expectation when getting into any relationship is financial security and comfort. If a guy doesn’t look like a financial heavyweight, he doesn’t stand a chance. I know it’s easy to judge but we all want the finer things of life so it will only be fair for me to give my take and vindicate the good ones. Now the minds of most girls are hazy and unsettled and they don’t even know what they really want. There are girls who will date a rich guy just because he’s rich and not necessarily because they’re out to prey on his finances. That is, they enjoy the thought of being with someone who’s got liquidity or at least one whom they think has got. They get turned on watching him swipe that credit card even if it’s declined. Most don’t even feel comfortable asking the guy to send them airtime so they’ll constantly beep (14 Missed Beeps in 1 min) and hope he’ll ‘understand and act.’ When the guy invites them out, they either order the cheapest items on the menu list or bring up that good-girl-cliche, ‘well I just had something a while ago...thanks anyway’ (hunger smiles). Usually, they’re out prove to their friends, cliques and social cohorts that they too can roll with the bigwigs. When their BBFs invite them over and they’re too broke to afford taxi fare, they be like ‘Aww...sorry I can’t make it, he’s taking me out for shopping.’

Across the tracks are the real bad ones. Their attitude is ‘no cash, no nyassh’ (mets-l’argent-à-terre!’) They ‘shine their eyes like Porsche-lights’ and are always looking for what’s in for them. They usually go after the wealthy pot-bellied sugar-daddies and ‘big boys’ in town. They don’t mind if the guy pronounces ‘very beautiful’ as ‘vely burifoo’ or if his face was recently burned by acid. As long as his pocket is handsome and his bank account has six-packs, he may as well be Godzilla. In most cases, the guy is aware of the fact she’s only after the money and she’s aware that he’s aware but that’s none of her business. She’s super-caring and the relationship is blissful until the day when he finally confesses that the money he’s been spending all along was his tuition fee. She walks right out and it’s on to the next one...no sympathy.

COUNSEL 101

So I have  just done an in exhaustive coverage of the motives and factors that most gents and ladies tend to consider prior to getting or wanting to get into relationships. At this point, you should have already analyzed yourself and the state of your relationship and determined in which category(ies) you fall. If you detect 2 or more of these ‘wrong-motive-symptoms’ then your relationship is in the red-light. What to do next??? I don’t know (evil laughter)

There are only 2 options here; FIX THINGS or BREAK UP. If you choose the break-up option, you might as well stop reading HERE but if you decide otherwise keep reading. With a degree of brevity, I’ll recommend a few things you need to do if you hope to be in a long-lasting REALationship.

Don’t Compete: You have to stop making harmful comparisons with other relationships. Don’t try to outdo, ‘outdress’, ‘outSMS’, ‘outshop’, or ‘outPDA’ other couples (as most of you do at parties and other social gatherings). If you copy and follow everything others are doing, it soon becomes a ‘relationSHEEP’. Live for you and your partner because relationships are of different makes and come with different emotional baggages. Habits and abilities (financial, sexual, sacrificial etc) differ so learn to operate within your range (especially your budget constraint).

Be Upfront: No one will spend their whole time trying to figure you out or interpret your every gesture or read your mind and body language. Let your partner know what’s bugging you or what you dislike or how you would have preferred it. Don’t assume you partner majored in Psychology at Uni. You need some money? ASK! You want to read for your test? TELL him! (To go away lol) Don’t assume and don’t ‘front’. And to all you guys who just want to hit and have to go through the stress of asking her out and spending big just to end up hearing the familiar line, ‘Let’s just stay friends’ or maybe succeeding then having to dump her and break her heart; save yourself the stress and insufficient allowance and just tell her upfront (yes...I said it). You’ll be surprised how many will ‘appreciate your sincerity’. Maybe she also didn’t want something serious or is equally just sexually attracted to you. She may decline or give in (depending on how smooth your game is) but still you kept it REAL.

Be Patient: Don’t expect automatic outcomes. REALationship take time to grow and to become deeply rooted. I personally don’t believe in ‘love at first sight’ or that people ‘fall in love’. I rather think they grow in love. There’s ‘lust at first sight’ no doubt, and it’s common to be attracted to as many people at a given time. But you choose who you want to grow in love with. If you ‘water and fertilize’ any attraction, it will grow. Now how do you ‘water and fertilize’ it?? You constantly think about that person, call them, visit them, open up to them etc, soon you grow fond of them and a bond is established. That’s how love works but it takes time, good times AND tough times together, to become solid.

Scale-down Your Expectations: No one is perfect so do not expect perfection from your partner. Learn to tolerate each over and overlook certain weaknesses. Be careful the kind of advice you take and check the external influences on the relationship (esp. your friends and their little gossips and pessimistic opinions). Everybody will tell how it’s done even when they never did it. Don’t take advice from anyone you would not want to trade places with. Listen more to your heart and trust your guts.

Lastly, don’t forget to do the somewhat little things that we often neglect and overlook like; giving compliments, buying gifts, calling more often etc. All these, if applied, will certainly help transform your relationSH!T into a REALationship. Well, it’s one thing to read and know what to do and it’s another thing to actually do/apply it. Good luck!

Here’s one of my favourite quotes: ‘The biggest gap in the world is the gap between knowing and doing’ – John C. Maxwell

   

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